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| I really pray that the Lord would move mightily in my life. That He would give me strength to see breakthroughs. I pray I dont shy away from my battle, but that I continually expose myself to the light. I pray I concentrate on my Healer. | | |
| unloading while it's still fresh in my heart and my mind....im going to write some pretty weird things. I dont care if it comes off as weird bc this is really for me to put it out there. people dont even comment on my site anyways so this site has officially become my journal. sometimes ill write this stuff in a "real" journal but i dont even feel like ive gotten it off my chest. so putting it online, takes it away from me and puts it out "there".
ok.
i think its sunk in more now than ever before that... i am a really weird christian. and more importantly i am a VERY VERY VERY immature christian. I'm only two years old. I'm still a toddler. I'm Evan's age. All I know how to say is "night night" and "mimi". I worship weird, my thoughts are weird, my rationale is often times incoherent even in my own mind. Two years of christianity is NOTHING, especially when you have had to start from negative five thousand and climb your way back up to zero. The things you've done in your life and the consequences of the absence of God most definately puts you at a disadvantage. It's like your running the race, but your legs are tied together.
What a blessing it is for you to have roots of christianity in your lineage. What a blessing it is for you to have someone who has been praying over you even when you are still in your mothers tummy, laying seeds of TRUTH, and seeds that the Lord will cultivate and bring to fruition. Yes, we are born again christians. Yes we are wiped clean, the old is gone and the new has come. But sin is sin is sin, and there is judgment for sin. Praise God He died on the cross for our sins. Praise God for His One and only Sin, Jesus Christ who came on this earth to set man free. It is evident, more so now than ever before, that the point of all of this is to mirror ourselves to take on the character of God, Jesus Christ. How I desire that! What frustrates me so much sometimes is that I desire to be like 45 years old in my walk, doing all these incredible things for the Lord, knowing Him intimately, walking with His power, and being solid. And I'm not there yet. I want to be there, and I'm not. I have such a long way to go. And the worst part yet, is that my legs are tied together and I'm running this huge marathon.
Not to mention my family...my reality is so different from theirs. I don't see eye to eye with them and if/when I try to compromise to see at their level I am taken back to a place of distance from the Lord. I can't tell them that, I can't even explain to them the importance of salvation. i can't even begin to utter the desire of my heart when I'm around them. And yet, I'm still their daughter whom they love very much.
So where is this all leading? Of course...there are no immediate answers. Like I said, this is a marathon. I'm in this huge race that I've decided to run. And I can't fathom stopping now, regardless of how difficult it is because I honestly have no where else to go. I wouldn't even know what else to do if I decided to stop. No, stopping isn't even an option. and so here I am, I'm sweating, and my clothes are sopping wet, and I look over to the side and Jesus is there next to me running. And I look and He too is sweating, and his clothes are drenched, and then I look at his legs and they are tied together as well.
O how I wish I could be in tune with that. How I desire to be able to KNOW without a doubt that Jesus's legs are tied. I know in my mind, but again, I feel like their is a cloud over my head that hinders me from coming to a peace about that. I petition to God that I would be able to spend time alone with Him and know that I am planting seeds of truth. It's ok if their is no divine revelation, but just to be in tune with His peace. | | |
| Today i had a chance to sit and talk to some fellow christian friends after class and it was pretty awesome. I love talking with people of the kingdom and feeling God's presence. I love the simplicity in praying and being in constant prayer, inviting God to join our conversation, talking to people and God all at once. Good times. It's times like those that I get a glimpse of heaven, and just picture fellowshipping and worshiping God always. Mmmmmm. It makes me 'homesick' sometimes.
So I think my feet smell. Or someone's feet smell.
Until next time.
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| wow. finally able to sit down, take a breather, and write some thoughts. My last couple weeks can be described with hectic, brositting, birthdays, hectic, school, parentless, chi alpha, crammed, and Buckle.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 20. No more teenage years. It's all behind me. It is kind of weird to actually stop and look back at what has happened in my life for the past 10 years. Now I'm more responsible (I hope), filled with God's Spirit, and persuing a walk with Jesus. I have new friends, new ambitions; I want to be a better person. Each day I want to be better than the day before.
If anyone is reading this they should subscribe to the XA xanga website. You dont have to like Chi Alpha or be a part of the ministry to read our stuff. It'll just be a page where everyone can read stuff about God, scriputre, etc. and be encourgaed.
I finished reading the fourth Harry Potter. It was awesome. It'll prolly take me a little longer to get through book five with school and stuff.
I love kettle corn. I'm eating it right now. Burned the first bag. Filled the whole house with a burnt smell.
I love God. | | |
| I'm not particularly psyched about my haircut and an insect bit my big toe. My big toe is red. | | |
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